(This story was updated because an earlier version included an inaccuracy.)
Week 4 in college football was not good for certain schools in North Carolina (cheer up residents of Raleigh and Chapel Hill), and great for others around the country (here’s looking at you, Michigan, for winning without a passing game).
It’s Report Card time. The same thing goes as far as grading from last season: High marks will only be given to the spectacular, and failing grades have no chance of being reversed.
Here is the Week 4 analysis of how fans, teams, players, and coaches fared:
Eli Drinkwitz, the Yoda of bad clock management
Sometimes, coaches think they are smarter than everyone else. And when you don’t take your opponent seriously or try to get cute to prove said smartness, it can backfire.
During Missouri’s game against three-touchdown underdog Vanderbilt, Tigers coach Eli Drinkwitz decided to pull out some of his old (baffling) game management tricks.
With the score tied at 10 and Missouri facing a fourth-and-3 at its own 47-yard line with 13 seconds to go in the first half, what did Drinkwitz decide to do?
A: Punt?
B: Punt?
C: Punt?
D: Go for it and let his quarterback get sacked, turning the ball over on downs?
That’s right, folks; if you guessed D, you too could apparently coach at least one down of college football even without having any experience or knowledge of strategy. Vanderbilt turned that blunder into three points when kicker Brock Taylor drilled a 57-yard field goal to end the half.
Missouri had the ball again in the fourth quarter with the game tied at 20 and 53 seconds remaining, facing a fourth-and-1 from the Commodores’ 47. Drinkwitz chose multiple choice answers A, B, and C this time instead of trying to move in closer for a game-winning kick.
Tigers fans have seen this movie before. Last season, the Tigers were bailed out with a game-winning, 61-yard field goal in a defining win against Kansas State — despite some questionable clock management.
Drinkwitz was bailed out again Saturday when Taylor shanked the potential game-tying field goal in double overtime.
Pro tip: Drinkwitz should still stay away from his social media, at least for this week.
Tick, tock: F
Well, that didn’t last long
Here is how some of our favorite money makers this season fared on Saturday:
Memphis, which beat Florida State, lost to Navy.
Northern Illinois, which beat Notre Dame, lost to Buffalo.
The check still clears: F
The worst and best of the rest
Holy Hail Mary:
Prevent defense, better offense: A+++++
Punt return of the year:
No, no, no … yes: A+
Dan Orlovsky is smiling:
Cue Yakety sax: F—
Hustle man:
Martin Lawrence approves of this hustle: A+
Wait, what?
Mossed: A+
Game recognize game:
Yes, he left the house looking like that: Awarded Rhodes Scholarship
Scoopin’ and scorin’:
Reservations for 99: Graduation
Iron, too kind:
Doink you very much: A
Ref vs. student-athlete:
Smacked: Incomplete
This week’s one-handed catch tribute:
Inaccurate pass complete: Extra credit
They said it
‘The AP voters have done a complete disservice to Nebraska. The AP Poll is terrible. It is garbage,’ FOX college football analyst Joel Klatt said, while also saying his rankings are better than the writers’. ‘Nebraska is far better than the No. 22 team in the country.’
Days later, the disserviced Cornhuskers lost at home, 31-24 in overtime, to Illinois.
***
North Carolina head coach Mack Brown with the understatement of the year after the Tar Heels gave up 70 points to James Madison:
“Embarrassing day, shocking day,” Brown said. “You shouldn’t be at North Carolina and lose to a Group of Five team, period. There are no excuses. Our defense looked awful. We had communication problems, we had missed tackles. We had guys wide open for a touchdown. I got big shoulders, and I’m embarrassed for our whole program that we would put a product like that on the field.”
Stats for you
0: Turnovers forced by Troy in four games this season.
5: Hours it took to complete the first quarter of the East Carolina-Liberty game in Lynchburg, Virginia, after multiple weather delays.
25: Consecutive losses by Nebraska to ranked teams.
64: Yards of field goal made by Temple kicker Maddux Trujillo against Utah State, the longest ever at Philadelphia’s Lincoln Financial Field.
800: Wins for Clemson’s football program.
1,217: Combined offensive yards for James Madison and North Carolina.
1,225: Combined offensive yards for Memphis and Navy.
$500,000: Payout to James Madison for its game against North Carolina.
The Dog of the Week
Houston at Cincinnati
Since the pups didn’t want to travel to see Kent State on the road (it lost 56-0 to Penn State while collecting $1.6 million for its troubles), a trip to Cincinnati was on the agenda to get a look at the Bearcats as they took on the Houston Cougars, who two weeks ago gave Oklahoma all it could handle.
But it seems Houston left all that momentum in Norman, as evidenced by a 34-0 whitewashing in Cincinnati … and it truly wasn’t even that close. Three turnovers, seven penalties, a missed 32-yard field goal, and 233 yards of total offense — yep, that will get you beat any day of the week at any level of football.
All seems to be well with those chili-eating compadres in Cincinnati, as the Bearcats have already matched their win total from last season with their third victory. It should also be noted that Kent State and Houston were the only FBS teams that didn’t score on Saturday.