Nick Saban’s cozying up to Donald Trump calls for a new hat.
As Jon Gruden, Jimbo Fisher seek new coaching jobs, a phone call from a school in need of reignition might make their day.
Is Dabo Swinney owed an apology from one Clemson fan?
My birthday draws near, and generous readers should know I have room in my liquor cabinet for a bottle of nice rum, room on my bookshelf for S.A. Cosby’s latest crime fiction, and room in my inbox for words of flattery.
They say it is better to give than to receive. I suspect the originator of that maxim never received an all-expense-paid vacation to a Caribbean island.
Nevertheless, I’ve been struck by a generous spirit throughout this college football offseason, and, with season openers nearly upon us, it’s time to dish out gifts to some football luminaries. Self-care is important, so I saved the final gift for myself.
Here’s my gift list:
Jon Gruden: A phone call from Mississippi State.
Jimbo Fisher: A phone call from Virginia Tech.
Nick Saban: A “Make Football Great Again” hat.
Cody Campbell: A copy of “I Alone Can Fix It.”
PATH TO PLAYOFF: Sign up for our college football newsletter
Jim Harbaugh: The last laugh.
Connor Stalions: Espionage training.
Hugh Freeze: A new pair of golf spikes.
Matt Rhule: Hugh Freeze’s golf handicap.
Luke Fickell: His old job back.
Lincoln Riley: An escape hatch.
Marcus Freeman: A starring role as the next James Bond.
Mike Gundy: Mark Stoops’ buyout clause.
Mark Stoops: Mike Gundy’s hair.
Sam Pittman: A rod and reel to use at his retirement home in Lake Hamilton. The stripers are bitin’ in October.
Ed Orgeron: An interim coaching gig in the SEC.
Kalen DeBoer: A tank top.
Brian Kelly: A reinforced tabletop.
Lane Kiffin: A comfy cushion and a good book for his rocking chair.
Dabo Swinney: An apology note from Tyler from Spartanburg.
Ryan Day: A coupon for ADT home protection.
Ohio State fans: A sense of gratitude for their coach.
Shane Beamer: A cage match with Bret Bielema.
Lee Corso: A farewell hug from Brutus Buckeye.
Big Ten Network: A talk-show host as talented as Paul Finebaum.
Paul Finebaum: A candlelit dinner for two with Arch Manning.
Arch Manning: Connor Stalions’ incognito sunglasses, good for a day of anonymity.
Garrett Nussmeier: A selfie with a Walmart shopper.
James Franklin: A wide receiver as talented as Jeremiah Smith.
Jeremiah Smith: A Heisman Trophy.
Cade Klubnik: A trip to New York City to see Smith win the Heisman.
Carson Beck: The Club, a time-tested device for protecting hot rods.
John Mateer: A Cash App account.
Diego Pavia: His own podcast.
DJ Lagway: A roll of bubble wrap.
Nico Iamaleava: An offensive system as friendly to quarterbacks as Josh Heupel’s.
Josh Heupel: A quarterback as talented as Iamaleava.
Oklahoma: Indiana’s schedule.
Indiana: UConn’s schedule.
Greg Sankey: A vinyl copy of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers’ “It’s Good to be King.”
Tony Petitti: A vinyl copy of Queen’s “We Are the Champions.”
Brett Yormark: A vinyl copy of “Viva México.”
Big 12 fans: An Aer Lingus gift card.
Oregon State fans: A retro Pac-8 T-shirt.
Oregon fans: A visitor’s guide to Piscataway, New Jersey.
Virginia Tech fans: A coaching search.
Virginia fans: A coaching search.
Penn State fans: A first-round playoff bye.
Alabama fans: A first-round playoff game.
Auburn fans: A trip to the Liberty Bowl.
Oklahoma fans: A trip to the Citrus Bowl.
Texas fans: A national championship.
Bill Belichick: A new publicist.
Jordon Hudson: A new job.
Belichick and Hudson: A lifetime of love and happiness.
Blake Toppmeyer: A fourth consecutive season of roach-free hotel rooms.
Blake Toppmeyer is the USA TODAY Network’s national college football columnist. Email him at BToppmeyer@gannett.com and follow him on X @btoppmeyer.